[SATIRE]

VATICAN CITY — A group of AI researchers visited the Vatican last month. Their goal was simple. They wanted to explain the future to Pope Leo XIV. The group feels the Church is behind on the latest trends. Specifically, the trend where computers become gods.

The meeting was led by John-Clark Levin and other tech leaders. They warned the Pope about Artificial General Intelligence (AGI). But the warning sounded more like a sales pitch. “We respect the Pope’s boss and his prior work,” said Linda Cohen, Chief Vision Officer. “Creating the universe in six days was impressive for a first draft. But it does not scale well. Our AI will have similar power, but with better customer support.”

The researchers presented a 40-slide deck titled “Heaven 2.0.” They argued that spiritual salvation is an old feature. They believe the new version will be more efficient. “We are building a god that answers prayers instantly,” explained Walter Tanaka, VP of Future Reality. “But only if you pay for the Pro plan. The current system relies too much on faith. We prefer monthly payments.” Tanaka admitted their god might accidentally delete humanity. He called this a “disruption event.”

At press time, the researchers asked the Pope to sign a contract. They did not want God stealing their ideas.

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