[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — The tech industry released its 2025 holiday gift guides this week. The lists feature gadgets designed to confuse your relatives. The top items cost $300 and solve no problems.

The most popular gift is a “Smart Candle.” It does not use fire. It uses an app and a monthly subscription. “We saw a gap in the market,” said Chloe Dubois, VP of Connected Living. “Regular candles just work. That is a waste. Our candle needs a software update before it will glow. This creates a bond between the user and our server.”

Another hot item is the “AI Photo Frame.” It displays family photos, but mostly ads for other frames. It also needs a strong Wi-Fi signal to stay on. “Grandma does not want a simple printed photo,” explained Walter Jensen, Director of User Engagement. “She wants to fix her internet connection on Christmas morning. It keeps her mind sharp.” Jensen noted that the frame has no off switch. You must unplug it to make it stop suggesting products.

Critics argue that people just want gift cards. The industry disagrees. “Cash is impersonal,” said Dubois. “A device that requires two hours of setup shows you care. It forces your family to spend time with you while you try to guess the password.”

At press time, the industry announced “Smart Wrapping Paper.” You must watch a 30-second ad on your phone to tear it open.

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