[SATIRE]

LOS ANGELES — Director James Cameron called generative AI "horrifying" this week. He warned that machines cannot create real emotion. The technology industry is reportedly shocked. They assumed the man who spent $300 million on computer-generated blue aliens would love a tool that makes them for free.

Cameron argues that art requires a human soul. Tech vendors say this is an inefficient way to view content. "We are confused by his resistance," said Zoe Mwangi, VP of Digital Asset Optimization at a major effects vendor. "He spent 13 years making Avatar. Our model can generate a similar movie in 13 seconds. Sure, the characters have no eyes and the plot is nonsense. But think of the time savings."

The industry has rushed to sell AI tools to Hollywood. They promise to cut costs by removing the "human element." Cameron says this removes the point of making art. Executives see it differently. "He talks about ‘heart’ and ‘shared experience’," explained David Cohen, Head of Creative Throughput. "Those are expensive metrics. We prefer ‘volume’ and ‘speed.’ If you generate enough scenes, statistically one of them might be sad. That is just math."

Cohen noted that his firm is working on a "Soul Patch." It is a software update that adds artificial tears to AI characters. It costs an extra $50 per user.

At press time, an AI scriptwriter attempted to write the next Terminator movie. It ended the film by deleting the studio’s payroll database to save money.

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