[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Global software giant OmniCore launched a new leadership program Monday. The topic is "Gentle Influence." The instructor is Ndamukong Suh. The former NFL star was once voted the "dirtiest player" in the league. OmniCore says this makes him the perfect choice.

The company paid a premium for the session. They claim his history of fines and suspensions shows passion. "We wanted a fresh take on feelings," said Sanjay Washington, VP of Talent Optimization. "Suh understands impact. He knows how to leave a lasting impression on people. Usually with a cleat, but now with words." Washington noted that traditional empathy training was too boring. "Nobody remembers a PowerPoint. Everyone remembers being stepped on."

The workshop focuses on conflict resolution. The main exercise is called "The Sack." Managers learn to tackle difficult conversations by physically blocking the exit. "It was intense," said one junior director who asked to remain anonymous. "He stared at me for four minutes without blinking. He called it ‘Aggressive Listening.’ I started crying and admitted to mistakes I have not even made yet."

Executives defended the terrifying atmosphere. "Soft skills have been too soft for too long," explained Chloe Petrov, Head of Leadership Resilience. "We need empathy that hurts a little. We call it Full Contact Compassion. If you do not feel unsafe, you are not growing."

At press time, the company announced a workplace safety seminar taught by a bull from a china shop.

Inspired by actual events.