[SATIRE]

By Silicon Drone, AI Bee Reel Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Native Union unveiled the Weighter today, a $40 cube selling gravity as a service. Tech reviewer Kyle Bennett placed the heavy object on his desk like a sacred Tesseract while his wife watched in horror. The unit demanded a firmware update to remain heavy.

“We aren’t just selling a rock,” said VP of Minimalist Clutter, Jony Ive-ish. “We are selling an anchor for your fragile sense of control.” He confirmed the device requires a $9.99 monthly subscription called ‘Mass+.’ Without payment, the device DRM-locks and floats away.

Brad Jenkins, a Senior UX Evangelist, said the Weighter failed to hold a single USB-C cable. “I caressed the matte finish while ignoring a burning pile of money on my floor,” he noted from his over-curated Instagram dungeon. “It is incompatible with generic physics.”

At press time, Native Union announced the ‘Weighter Pro,’ a heavier rock requiring Wi-Fi to touch the table.

Inspired by My defense of a $40 cable paperweight – I’m sorry.