[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Global logistics firm Vortex Corp announced a successful "AI Transformation" this morning. The project was completed in 48 hours. The CEO demanded the company become "AI-first" by Tuesday. The staff met this deadline by right-clicking on their folders.

The IT team simply renamed every Excel file on the shared drive. "Q3 Budget.xlsx" is now "Smart AI Budget.xlsx." The contents of the files did not change.

"The transformation has been seamless," said Chloe Dubois, VP of Digital Acceleration. "We told the board our spreadsheets now use ‘Neural Grid Processing.’ That is just rows and columns. But the board loved it. Our stock price is up 3% since we changed the file names."

Employees report that the "new" tools work exactly like the old ones. This has been a huge relief. "I was worried I would have to learn Python," said one junior analyst. "But the AI interface looks exactly like Microsoft Office 2016. It is truly advanced."

To support the rollout, the company launched a "Generative Chatbot" for internal support. It is actually an intern named Kevin. He sits in the server room and types answers very fast. "Kevin’s latency is high after lunch," admitted Walter Jensen, Head of Intelligent Innovation. "But his accuracy is better than ChatGPT. We just have to feed the model sandwiches."

At press time, the CEO asked for a text-to-video AI demo. The team is currently hiring a puppeteer.

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