[SATIRE]

BOSTON — A new neuroscience report explains a common office mystery. It says the human brain cannot process the concept of a “missed deadline” until it actually happens. This explains why everyone nodded during your last team meeting.

The study scanned workers looking at project plans. When they saw a launch date of “Q3,” their memory centers shut down. They instantly forgot every delayed project from the last ten years. “It is a survival trick,” said Aesha Patel, VP of Strategic Alignment. “If the brain actually remembered how long the last data migration took, the employee would simply walk out of the building. Instead, the brain deletes that trauma. The employee nods and says ‘this looks aggressive but doable.'”

Corporations are already using this biology. They create timelines that defy math. They know the brain will try to make sense of them. “We call it Cognitive Optimism,” explained Walter Jensen, Director of Workflow Reality. “We put a date on a slide. We make the font bold. The brain accepts it as a fact, like gravity. It does not matter that we have zero engineers assigned to the task. The slide says October, so the brain believes October.”

The study found this effect is strongest in groups. When a CEO says “we are moving fast,” the logic center of the brain turns off completely. It is replaced by a warm, fuzzy feeling that this time will be different.

At press time, the study group was told the project is “90% done.” Their brains immediately released a calming chemical, even though no work has started.

Inspired by actual events.