[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — A new consumer report released Tuesday confirms that the average tech enthusiast purchased 196 items during Black Friday sales. The study found that buyers did not know they needed any of these items until an algorithm told them they were 6% off.

The list of purchases includes third-party smartwatch bands, backup chargers for backup chargers, and Wi-Fi enabled forks. Most items are still in their shipping boxes. They are currently blocking hallways across America.

“We do not sell products anymore. We sell the feeling of not missing out,” said Chloe Washington, VP of Impulse Optimization at ShopStream. “Our data shows that if we put a countdown timer next to a picture of a cable, people will buy it. It does not matter if they own the device the cable connects to. The timer creates a physical need to click ‘Buy Now.’ It is basic biology.”

The report highlights the phenomenon of “deal fatigue.” This is when consumers buy things just to make the emails stop. One popular item was a “smart” water bottle that glows when you need to drink. It requires a subscription to open the lid.

Retailers defend the practice of pushing hundreds of leftover items as “exclusive deals.” They claim this helps customers discover inventory that nobody wanted at full price.

“These are not leftovers. They are ‘post-demand opportunities,'” explained Lucas Petrov, Director of Inventory Velocity. “Just because nobody bought these earbuds for three years does not mean they are bad. It means the market was waiting for us to knock four dollars off the price. Now they are flying off the shelves. We have successfully moved the storage problem from our warehouse to your garage.”

At press time, retailers announced a new Cyber Week deal. They are now selling discounted storage bins to hold the 196 things you just bought.

Inspired by actual events.