[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — StreamFlow confirmed today that its popular "Relaxing Jazz" playlist is now 100% AI. The tracks are not written by musicians. They are generated by the office printer. The company says nobody noticed the switch.

"We ran a blind test," said Sanjay Gupta, VP of Content Efficiency. "We played a real saxophone track. Then we played a recording of our laser printer jamming. The printer got higher ratings. Listeners said it felt more consistent."

The move saves the company millions in fees. Real artists expect to be paid. The printer only needs toner. The company says the software analyzes what people skip. It learned that people hate surprises. They want noise that disappears.

"Human musicians try to be creative," explained Linda Washington, Head of Passive Listening. "That is a bug, not a feature. Our users want background noise that sounds like nothing. The printer excels at this. It has no soul to get in the way." Washington noted that the printer can produce 4,000 songs a day. It never asks for a break.

At press time, the company launched a "High Intensity Workout Mix." It is just the sound of a vacuum cleaner sped up by 20 percent.

Inspired by actual events.