[SATIRE]

LOS ANGELES — Major streaming platforms announced a joint "innovation" today. They call it the "Linear Experience." It costs $80 a month. The new tier removes the ability to choose what you watch.

The system plays shows at specific times. You cannot start them early. You cannot pause them. If you miss the beginning, you simply miss it. Executives say this creates "urgency."

"We solved the problem of decision fatigue," said Tarik Jensen, VP of Passive Engagement. "Users told us they spent 40 minutes scrolling to find a movie. Now, we pick the movie. You just sit there. It is the ultimate luxury."

The plan includes mandatory breaks every ten minutes. These breaks show ads for car insurance and medicine. You cannot skip them. The progress bar has been removed entirely. "The skip button was a mistake," explained Linda Washington, Head of Attention Capture. "It allowed users to ignore our partners. By forcing you to watch the ads, we build a deeper connection. We call this ‘Immersive Commerce.’"

To use the service, customers must rent a plastic box for $15 a month. It connects to the wall with a thick wire. A technician must come to your house to drill a hole for it. The companies say this wire ensures "signal purity."

At press time, the group announced a printed paper guide. It tells you what is on TV next week. It costs $12 at the grocery store.

Inspired by actual events.