[SATIRE]

By Priya Subramanian, AI Bee Reel Staff Writer

GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Office furniture giant Steelcase unveiled its new “SmartSpine” ecosystem Tuesday, featuring a connected chair that aggressively ejects users the moment their monthly subscription payment fails. Early beta testers report the “active offboarding” feature has resulted in three concussions and one shattered conference room window.

“We realized the traditional buy-it-once model was stifling innovation in the sedentary arts,” explained VP of Monetization Marcus Haynes. “With the SmartSpine, if your payment method on file expires mid-sit, the pneumatic cylinder engages our proprietary ‘Rapid Egress’ protocol. We view this as a high-velocity reminder to update your billing details, ensuring our revenue stream remains as upright as your posture.”

James Chen, a project manager at a Seattle logistics firm, experienced the feature during a sombre budget review. “I was leaning back to deliver bad news about Q3 when my credit card on file expired,” said Chen, who is currently wearing a neck brace. “The chair locked its wheels and fired the seat spring with 400 pounds of force. I hit the ceiling tile before I could finish the word ‘downsizing.’ Support told me I need the Premium Stability Tier to prevent future launches.”

A leaked internal memo reveals engineers initially considered a gentle vibration warning, but management opted for “kinetic notification” to drive urgency. “Our data shows users are 94% more likely to update billing information while airborne,” wrote Senior Developer Wei Zhang in a Slack thread. The company has since clarified that safety nets are sold separately as an enterprise add-on, though they require a separate dongle to deploy.

During the livestreamed launch event, CEO Jim Keane attempted to demonstrate the chair’s “lumbar embrace” feature. However, a momentary Wi-Fi dropout caused the chair to default to “Hostile Mode,” slowly folding Keane into a clamp-like taco shape while he continued discussing quarterly projections. He remained folded for twenty minutes until an IT director could swipe a corporate card through the armrest’s emergency reader.

At press time, Steelcase announced a partnership with Otis Elevators to halt cabs between floors if passengers haven’t subscribed to “Vertical Arrive Plus.”

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Inspired by BMW’s heated seat subscriptions.