[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — Audio startup Retr0 launched a new portable music player Tuesday. It costs $160. It plays tiny vinyl records. It holds one song per side. The company says this is the future of music.

The device is the size of a phone but does less. It cannot fit in a pocket. If you walk while listening, the record skips. The company claims this is a feature, not a bug. “Digital music is too perfect,” said Sanjay Patel, VP of Analog Design. “You press a button and it just works. Where is the struggle? We brought back the fear of ruining your favorite album. That anxiety adds warmth to the sound.”

The three-inch records cost $20 each. They degrade after about ten plays. Early reviews say the sound quality is “crunchy.” The company insists this is what true fans want. “We focused on friction,” explained Chloe Dubois, Head of User Obstacles. “Streaming is too fast. Our format forces you to stop, open a case, and squint at a tiny disc. It takes three minutes to set up a three-minute song. That is value.”

Dubois noted that the device has Bluetooth. However, they added a hiss sound to the signal. This ensures wireless users do not miss out on the bad quality.

At press time, the company announced a “Pro” edition made of wax. It melts if you hold it for too long.

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