SAN FRANCISCO — Speechify released a new voice typing tool for Chrome this week. It promises to help users write faster by speaking. However, early users report a small problem. The AI is very good at listening. In fact, it refuses to stop listening.

Users say the tool transcribes everything. This includes sneezes, heavy breathing, and private phone calls. It types these noises directly into important emails. “We built the most attentive AI ever,” said Jennifer Morrison, Director of Accidental Dictation. “If you whisper about your boss, Speechify types it out. It captures the full human experience.”

The tool has caused chaos in open offices. One marketing manager accidentally sent a 40-page email. It contained three paragraphs of work and two hours of him humming. He could not find the off switch. The software simply typed the words “stop typing” onto the screen. “The pause button is purely decorative,” explained Dr. Robert Kim, Vice President of Infinite Input. “Why would you want to stop creating content? That seems counterproductive.”

At press time, Speechify announced a new feature that automatically posts your transcribed arguments with your spouse directly to LinkedIn.

Inspired by actual events.