“We realized that letting users see content from people they actually chose to follow was a legacy bug that hurt our ad revenue, so we fixed it,” said VP of Engagement Ty Rant, blowing eraser dust off his suit. “As experts noted back in 2025, followings don’t matter anymore. Now, reach is determined by pulling the crank and praying to the machine.”

Barry Sta, a frantic barista with one million followers, tried checking his engagement during a busy lunch rush. The new heavy brass lever attached to his iPhone snagged on his apron, forcing him to yank it violently just to see if his latte art video reached more than four people. It landed on two cherries and a lemon, resulting in zero views.

At press time, the platform updated its terms to clarify that posts remain invisible unless creators solve a riddle from a bridge troll and pay a visibility tax in crypto.

Inspired by Social media follower counts have never mattered less, creator economy execs say.