“We are disrupting the legacy latency of human speech,” said Dr. Aris Thorne, VP of Neural Transparency at MindTech. “Traditional talking takes too long. You have to think, filter, and speak. Our helmets skip the filter. If you think your wife looks tired, she needs to know right now.” Real facts show that CES is flooded with gadgets promising to boost mental health, and experts predict everyone will strap EEGs to their skulls soon. Dr. Thorne insists this is progress. “The crying means the system is working. That is authentic emotional data.”

The situation escalated when the father, Mark, tried to comfort his wife. “It’s okay, honey,” he said, but his helmet immediately corrected him: “I wish I was watching the game right now.”

“Honesty is the only policy we support,” explained Thorne, adjusting his own headset which was currently broadcasting static. “We noticed families had too much unchecked privacy. Now, every fleeting judgment is a public announcement.” Early testers report “mixed results.” One grandmother was asked to leave Thanksgiving after her helmet critiqued the turkey’s moisture level and her son-in-law’s hairline in the same sentence.

At press time, the Henderson family’s dog walked into the room, and a small headset on his collar announced, “I am going to throw up on the rug.”

Inspired by the real story: CES is increasingly filled with companies creating brain-computer interfaces claiming to fix mental health. Read the full story.