[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — BioSense released a software update today. It targets the holiday season. The new "Accountability Mode" sends a sharp buzz to your arm if you eat stuffing. The company calls this "real-time correction."

The sensor tracks your blood sugar. It usually sends data to your phone. Now, it physically intervenes. "Eating is usually a blind spot," said Sophia Patel, VP of User Correction. "You enjoy the food. You forget the math. We fixed that. Now, every bite comes with a physical warning."

Early testers reported high levels of stress. BioSense says this is the point. The app also turns your screen bright red. It flashes "GLUCOSE SPIKE" in large letters. This ensures your family knows you made a bad choice.

"We noticed people ignored the graphs during dinner," explained Kevin Rossi, Head of Biological Data. "They prioritized ‘memories’ over flat data lines. That is a hardware failure. Our new update ensures the guilt is immediate. You cannot taste the gravy without feeling the vibration."

At press time, BioSense announced a premium feature. For $20 a month, the app will auto-email your doctor if you look at a cookie.

Inspired by actual events.