[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — The tech world is in shock today. A local software startup announced a dangerous new strategy. They plan to make a profit.

Nebula, a project management tool, told its board that it made more money than it spent last quarter. Investors are furious. They say this goes against everything the industry stands for. “We are deeply concerned,” said Walter Jensen, Managing Partner at Hyperion Capital. “We gave them $10 million to set on fire. They still have most of it. That shows a lack of ambition.”

The trouble started when the founder charged customers for the product. He did not give it away for free to get users. This confused the experts. “He is using a legacy model called ‘selling things’,” explained Sarah Washington, VP of Strategic Burn. “It is very old fashioned. In 2025, you are supposed to lose money on every customer and make it up with volume. We call that ‘blitz-scaling.’ Making a profit this early is a red flag. It suggests the business might actually work.”

Employees are also confused. They are used to panic and layoffs. “The bank account is full,” said one engineer who asked to remain nameless. “I don’t know what to do. Usually, we are pivoting to crypto by now to save the company. Now I just have to do my job. It is very stressful.”

At press time, the board ordered the founder to buy a Super Bowl ad to fix the surplus.

Inspired by actual events.