[SATIRE]

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — The Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) announced a pivot in strategy Tuesday. This follows the news that the organization lost an $11.5 million discrimination lawsuit. The jury found that SHRM failed to train its own HR staff on how to do HR.

The group that sells certification to everyone else admits it forgot to certify itself. “We were too focused on the slide decks,” said Sophia Petrov, VP of Internal Optics. “We sell the concept of HR. We do not actually use it. A car salesman does not have to drive the cars he sells. We thought the same logic applied to following the law.”

Court documents show the organization did not investigate complaints properly. Staff members said they assumed the SHRM logo on the wall would protect them. “We view training as a revenue stream, not a practice,” explained Jamal Cohen, Chief Revenue Architect. “If we use our own training materials, that is inventory we cannot sell to a customer. We kept the manuals in shrink wrap to preserve their value.” Cohen noted that reading the employee handbook is technically “non-billable time.”

At press time, SHRM announced a new seminar. For $2,500, members can learn how to write an $11 million settlement check while smiling.

Inspired by SHRM’s $11.5 Million Mistake Shows What Happens When HR Isn’t Trained.