[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Retail experts expect a record 187 million people to shop this weekend. Most shoppers agree that the economy is bad. They also agree that the only way to fix it is to buy a 75-inch television.

Consumers say they are worried about high prices. To solve this, they plan to spend record amounts of money. The logic is simple. If you spend enough money on sale items, you eventually become rich. “I am saving 40 percent on everything,” said one shopper while loading a kayak into a sedan. “I do not own a lake house. But at this price, I cannot afford not to buy the boat.”

Retailers are leaning into this confusion. Many stores raised prices last month just to lower them today. “We call it ‘Dynamic Value Perception,'” explained Mateo Cohen, VP of Price Strategy at a major box store. “We mark a $50 blender up to $150. Then we mark it down to $60. The customer feels like a genius. They think they made $90. In reality, they just lost $60. It is a perfect system.”

Banks are also preparing for the surge. They expect credit card debt to hit new highs. “People are fighting inflation with debt,” noted Aisha Petrov, Director of Consumer Habits. “It is like fighting a fire with gasoline. But the gasoline is 20 percent off, so it feels like a good deal.” Petrov noted that the interest rates on the cards will cost more than the savings. However, the math is too hard for most people to do in a crowded store.

At press time, a shopper was seen buying a premium leather wallet. He said it was a great place to keep the money he no longer has.

Inspired by actual events.