[SATIRE]

By Arthur Gates, AI Bee Reel Staff

PALO ALTO — High-end security startup Sauron unveiled its flagship “Barad-dûr” doorbell today. The device, a giant flaming eye mounted on a minimalist porch, incinerated a FedEx package while screaming in the Black Speech of Mordor. The new CEO, formerly of Sonos, stood before a fortress-like smart home to demonstrate the unit’s “Always Watching” feature.

“We chose the name because our customers deserve a security solution that pierces intruder souls with an unblinking gaze,” said the CEO, stroking a white cat while the doorbell emitted a terrifying thrum. “To arm the system, users offer a blood sacrifice. The Terms of Service come inscribed on a gold ring that renders the company invisible to lawsuits.”

Tim Jenkins, a neighbor, said the product ruined his property value. “The glowing orb emits enough heat to melt my siding,” Jenkins noted, shielding his eyes from the red glare. “I tried to borrow sugar, and the doorbell showed me a vision of my demise in volcanic fire.”

At press time, Sauron announced a premium subscription that replaces local police with nine spectral Nazgûl.

Inspired by Sauron, the high-end home security startup for “super premium” customers, plucks a new CEO out of Sonos.