WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump unveiled the “Genesis Mission” on Monday, a “Manhattan Project” style executive order directing the Department of Energy to build a “closed-loop AI experimentation platform” linking 17 national labs.

The ambitious initiative aims to create a government-run rival to private tech giants, provided all 17 laboratories can agree on a meeting time. Officials admit the hardest part isn’t the advanced math, but getting 17 different government IT departments to use the same video call software. “We are bringing the raw power of federal bureaucracy to artificial intelligence,” said Marcus Thorne, the DOE’s Vice President of Scheduling Conflicts. “Our goal is to link these massive supercomputers together as soon as we figure out who has the admin password for the router.”

The “closed-loop” design ensures maximum security by requiring the AI to obtain a security clearance before learning new words. Unlike commercial tools that update instantly, the government model will rely on data physically carried between labs by interns to ensure safety. “We are avoiding the risks of commercial AI by removing the speed entirely,” explained Dr. Elena Rostova, Director of Digital Red Tape. “Before the AI generates an answer, it must submit a request in triplicate and wait for a 30-day public comment period. It is the safest chatbot in history because it refuses to speak without a lawyer present.”

At press time, the Genesis Mission was indefinitely paused because the AI’s mandatory background check is still pending at the Pentagon.

Inspired by actual events.