SAN FRANCISCO — Nuclear startup X-energy announced a massive $700 million Series D funding round this week, driven largely by tech companies claiming they need “clean power” for AI data centers but privately admitting they just think owning a nuclear reactor is cooler than buying another Lamborghini.

While the official press release cites the surging energy demands of artificial intelligence, insiders suggest the investment is fueled by a Silicon Valley arms race to have the most dangerous office furniture. Startups are reportedly fighting over X-energy’s small modular reactors to replace their break room espresso machines. “Solar panels are for companies that haven’t found product-market fit,” said Jason Thorne, Vice President of Workplace Flexing at a stealth AI startup. “Nothing says ‘we are changing the world’ quite like splitting atoms three feet away from the HR department. It really sets the tone for our quarterly reviews.”

The trend has created unique challenges for office managers who now have to schedule uranium deliveries alongside the sparkling water restocking. Early adopters report that while the reactors provide ample electricity for training AI models, they are proving difficult to integrate into open-plan offices. “We keep having to remind the engineering team not to warm up their lunch on the reactor core,” explained Dr. Emily Vance, Director of Hazardous Amenities. “The developers love the aesthetic of the glowing blue Cherenkov radiation, even though we’ve told them it’s technically not ‘mood lighting’ for their coding sprints.”

At press time, X-energy had announced a new “Founder’s Edition” reactor that comes with a custom-branded hazmat suit for the intern assigned to change the fuel rods.

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