LONDON — The UK government announced a massive $130 million plan to buy technology directly from startups on Wednesday, a strategy that hit immediate delays when ministers attempted to purchase "three units of innovation" at a local electronics shop.

The new initiative promises guaranteed payments to British companies building AI hardware, aiming to secure the market by acting as a direct customer. However, logistics grew complicated when the Treasury demanded physical receipts for "algorithmic potential." "We have the budget approved and the credit card ready," said Alistair Smythe, the Ministry’s Director of Procurement Confusion. "But we cannot determine if we should buy the AI by the kilo or by the litre, and the self-checkout machine keeps shouting ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’ every time we try to scan a server rack."

The situation worsened when officials visited deep-tech startups demanding to see the "growth" they were funding so they could load it into a van. Several founders were asked to package their software in easy-to-carry crates for immediate government pickup. "They kept asking where the ‘off’ switch is on the concept of generative data," said Dr. Fiona Gables, Vice President of Explaining Things Slowly. "I tried to tell them that $130 million buys a lot of computer chips, but they insisted on buying the ‘entire internet’ to keep it safe in a government warehouse."

At press time, the Chancellor was seen frantically trying to return a box of unlabelled graphics cards, claiming they didn’t fit in the nation’s HDMI port.

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