MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Alphabet has officially surged past Nvidia in the stock market over the last year, proving that the real winner of the AI race is the company that figures out how to make a chatbot sell car insurance first.

The massive rally began moments after Google executives promised their AI would stop trying to paint historical figures and focus entirely on jamming sponsored links into conversational sentences. While Nvidia builds complex chips and Microsoft tries to solve cancer, Google’s stock price climbed as they demonstrated a new Gemini model that answers every question with a list of local plumbers. “We simply turned off the part of the brain that tries to be smart,” said David Crumb, Google’s Vice President of Profitable Answers. “Now, if you ask for a poem about the moon, Gemini just sells you a telescope. It is much better for the shareholders.”

The strategy marks a major shift from the “Magnificent 7” peers who are still trying to make AI helpful. Google’s stock hit an all-time high when they revealed the AI now refuses to unlock your phone until you watch a 15-second unskippable ad. Analysts praised the move, noting that while Nvidia has to ship physical hardware, Google only has to ship annoyance. “Nvidia is busy building heavy chips, but we are building a money printer,” explained Sarah Void, Director of Shareholder Dopamine. “Why simulate physics when you can simulate a click?”

At press time, Google stock jumped another 4% after the company announced Gemini would soon replace all verbs in the English language with the brand name of the highest bidder.

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