“We realized people on Mount Everest were reaching the summit and not buying anything,” said Greg Pelson, Amazon’s Director of Extreme Commerce. “That is a missed opportunity. Now, they can order a heated blanket the moment they realize they made a terrible mistake.”

The system reportedly prioritizes shopping data over rescue beacons. If a user attempts to send an SOS signal, the software will automatically pause the message to suggest purchasing a flare gun with Two-Day Shipping. Engineers confirmed the device works even during hurricanes, ensuring your credit card payment processes before your roof blows off.

“Connectivity is a human right, specifically the connectivity to spend money,” said Linda Halloway, VP of Relentless Consumption. “If you are drifting on an iceberg, you deserve the same access to Prime Video as someone on a couch.”

At publishing time, a beta tester in the Sahara Desert was reportedly furious that the drone delivery for his replacement water canteen was five minutes late.

Inspired by actual events.