TAIPEI — Thousands of homeowners dealing with a massive Asus router security breach report their internet connections are working better than ever, provided they acknowledge the One China policy before logging into Netflix.

While experts warn that China-state hackers are currently “laying low” within the compromised devices for potential future cyberwarfare, users say the machines are already making their allegiance clear. Reports indicate that the routers are not stealing bank passwords, but are instead passively judging household browsing habits and blocking cat videos deemed “unproductive to the collective good.”

“The device isn’t broken, it has simply undergone a political re-education,” said Greg Miller, Director of Appliance Geopolitics. “If you try to visit a blocked site, the router doesn’t give you an error message. It just sighs loudly through the ventilation ports and slows your speed to dial-up levels until you read a history book.”

The hacking campaign has turned ordinary living rooms into minor diplomatic incidents. One family reported their router annexed the smart toaster and declared a new trade zone in the kitchen, imposing tariffs on bagel consumption.

“We advise customers not to fight the new firmware,” said Sarah Jenkins, VP of Domestic Appeasement. “If the blinking light turns red, your social credit score is too low for 4K streaming. Just let it mine a little crypto for the state and you can watch your show.”

At publishing time, Asus support suggested users simply learn Mandarin to better configure their firewall settings, noting that the new state-sponsored software actually fixed all the previous bugs.

Inspired by actual events.