MENLO PARK, CA — In a major push to secure enough energy for its massive data centers, Meta has officially entered the electricity trading business, offering homeowners free power if they agree to replace their light switches with microphones.

The new initiative, designed to fuel the company’s hungry AI power needs, allows customers to bypass their local utility company entirely. In exchange for zero-cost electricity, residents must sign a “Total Transparency Pledge” and install smart meters that monitor exactly what happens inside the home.

“We realized people pay too much for electricity, but they have a surplus of privacy,” said Greg Miller, Meta’s Vice President of Uncomfortable Bargains. “We are simply letting you swap one for the other. It’s a fair trade, provided you don’t mind Mark Zuckerberg knowing exactly how long you spend in the shower.”

The program utilizes a new “listening grid” technology. If a household discusses buying a competitor’s product, the lights will reportedly flicker threateningly until the conversation changes to a more approved topic.

“This isn’t spying; it’s ‘lifestyle assistance,'” explained Sarah Jenkins, Director of Watching You Sleep. “Our AI needs to know if you are awake so it can display ads on your thermostat. If you cover the sensors with tape, we simply cut power to your refrigerator. It’s very efficient.”

At publishing time, millions of Americans had already signed up, noting that while the constant surveillance was creepy, it was still better than dealing with their current electric company.

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