MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a move to improve efficiency following the massive cybersecurity incident involving Gainsight, Google announced Friday that it will no longer report which companies have been hacked, but will instead publish a short daily list of the three companies that haven’t been.

The decision comes after Google confirmed that hackers known as Scattered Lapsus$ Hunters stole data from at least 200 companies, including sensitive Salesforce customer records. Executives realized that listing the victims was taking too much printer paper.

“At this point, being hacked is just part of the morning routine, like coffee or traffic,” said Marcus Tiller, Google’s Vice President of Negative Optimism. “If we listed everyone who lost data this week, we’d be here until Christmas. It is much faster to just tell you that a bakery in Ohio and a dog-walking service that uses a paper notebook are still secure.”

Industry analysts warn that the list of safe companies is shrinking rapidly. Experts suggest that for most businesses, the new standard operating procedure is to simply leave the digital front door unlocked to save the hackers from breaking a window.

“We are seeing a trend where companies are actually jealous if they aren’t breached,” said Sarah Jenkins, Director of Digital Surrender at a top consulting firm. “If nobody wants to steal your data, do you really even have a business? It’s a status symbol now.”

At publishing time, Google updated the list to remove the bakery after its owner clicked a link promising a free cruise.

Inspired by actual events.