The controversy started with the rollout of the “About This Account” feature, a major tech fail that began displaying random countries for users’ account origins. While users complained about the inaccuracies, company leadership decided the software was actually right, and the people were wrong.

“We admitted there were a few rough edges, but we are committed to accuracy,” said Nikita Bier, X’s Head of Product, referring to the deadline for users to pack their bags. “If our algorithm says you are posting from a fishing boat in the North Sea, you need to get on a boat. We can’t have users lying about their location just because they think they live in Ohio.”

The demand has caused panic among the user base. “My profile now says I am based in a VPN server farm in the Cayman Islands,” said Dr. Aris Thorne, Director of Geographic Confusion at the Institute for Digital Sanity. “I don’t even fit inside a server rack, but X support told me I need to ‘trust the process’ and buy a swimsuit.”

At publishing time, X engineers were reportedly scrambling to purchase spacesuits after the new system determined the company’s headquarters is actually located on the surface of the sun.

Inspired by actual events.