“We ran the numbers, and it turns out paying people to find waste is, ironically, a waste of money,” said Sarah Jenkins, the newly appointed Vice President of Firing Herself. “By locking the doors and throwing the keys into the Potomac River, we are saving taxpayers millions in electricity and printer paper alone.”

The sudden closure has reportedly caused confusion across Washington DC, as other agencies attempt to figure out who is in charge of cutting their budgets. Critics call it chaos, but supporters insist it is merely “extreme streamlining.” The office building formerly housing the department has already been stripped of copper wiring to maximize returns.

“This isn’t a power vacuum; it’s a power savings mode,” said Tom Witherby, Director of Turning Things Off. “We realized that if no one is working, no mistakes can be made. That is the pinnacle of efficiency.”

At publishing time, the department’s official website had been replaced by a blank white page with a single line of text reading: “You’re welcome.”

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