SAN FRANCISCO — A new report from Pew Research confirms that despite constant glitches, confusing changes, and general disorder, millions of Americans refuse to leave X, formerly known as Twitter. Analysts suggest the platform has successfully switched from a social network to a 24-hour interactive disaster movie that users find “impossible to look away from.”

While industry experts expected users to flee to competitors, the social media stats show that 21% of U.S. adults have stayed put. “We assumed people wanted a working website,” said Dr. Marcus Hale, Director of Digital Masochism at Pew. “Turns out, the average American actually craves the thrill of not knowing if their app will load or if the owner will randomly change the font to Wingdings. It is not a bug; it is a daily adventure.”

To maintain these steady numbers, X engineers are reportedly working overtime to ensure the user experience remains consistently stressful. Internal documents suggest that Elon Musk’s strategy relies on providing just enough danger to keep people interested. “If the app runs too smoothly, people get bored and leave,” explained Sarah Jenkins, X’s Vice President of Chaos Maintenance. “Our goal is to keep the blood pressure of our users at a medically concerning level. That is what we call engagement.”

At publishing time, X announced a new premium feature that allows paying subscribers to be personally insulted by the server every time they try to log in.

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