“We successfully protected the vote from hackers, foreign spies, and unfortunately, ourselves,” said Dr. Marcus Trent, Director of Digital Amnesia. “This is a major tech fail, but also a triumph for privacy. Not even the candidates know who won.”

The system required three separate keys to open, but one official apparently misplaced their portion of the code.

“We tried ‘123456’ and ‘password,’ but nothing worked,” said Sarah Jenkins, VP of Writing Things Down on Sticky Notes. “We are now just shaking the server to see if the results fall out.”

At publishing time, the association announced they would determine the new board members by drawing straws, noting that “at least we can’t lose the straws.”

Inspired by actual events.