MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Following the massive data breach where Google confirmed hackers stole information from 200 companies via Gainsight, the tech giant has unveiled a new search feature that lists the only three businesses on Earth that haven’t been compromised yet.

Security experts note that with the recent attack targeting Salesforce customer data, maintaining a list of victims has become administratively impossible. Instead, the industry will now track the tiny minority of businesses that still have their secrets.

“We realized it was a waste of time to list who got hacked, because the answer is basically ‘everyone’,” said Sarah Jenkins, Google’s Vice President of Just Assuming the Worst. “It is much more efficient to simply publish the names of the three companies that are safe. Currently, that list includes a lemonade stand in Idaho, a hermit living in a cave, and a Blockbuster Video that doesn’t know the internet exists.”

The hacking group Scattered Lapsus$ Hunters took credit for the breach, though analysts say the hackers are becoming bored with how easy it is.

“At this point, we are advising companies to just post their passwords on the front door,” said Mark Davis, Director of Digital Resignation. “It saves everyone the hassle of a investigation. We call it ‘Proactive Surrender.’ If you give them the data before they ask, technically you weren’t breached.”

At publishing time, the lemonade stand in Idaho was forced to file for bankruptcy after hackers ransomed their secret sugar recipe for $4 million.

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