SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Federal agents announced a major victory in the war on computing power today, arresting a tech company CTO charged with running a sophisticated ring to smuggle “pure, uncut” Nvidia chips past the China export ban.

The indictment alleges the executives treated the high-end processors like Prohibition-era contraband, hiding the valuable hardware inside hollowed-out Bibles, frozen fish, and shipments of “Grandma’s Old Fashioned Oatmeal” to bypass customs. Authorities say the street value of the seized chips exceeds $4 million, making the haul more valuable per ounce than printer ink.

“These aren’t your standard video game cards mixed with baking soda,” said Special Agent Rick “The Hammer” Harrison, Director of Silicon Enforcement. “We are talking about industrial-grade computing power. You get a few of these hooked up in a basement, and you’re training an AI chatbot hard enough to keep a startup awake for a week.”

The bust highlights the growing underground market for processors, where desperate tech companies meet in dark alleys to exchange suitcases of cash for a few minutes of training time. Experts warn that the crackdown may force users to switch to dangerous, lower-quality street chips.

“Once you get hooked on high-speed processing, it’s hard to go back to doing math on a calculator,” said Dr. Susan Blake, Vice President of Withdrawal Management. “We’re seeing executives shaking in boardrooms because they can’t get their fix of floating-point operations.”

At publishing time, the arrested CTO was seen trying to bribe a prison guard with a slightly used GeForce RTX 4090 he had taped to his ankle.

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