MENLO PARK, CA — In a bid to secure enough power for its massive AI data centers, Meta has officially entered the electricity trading business, a move that will finally allow Mark Zuckerberg to monetize the darkness in your living room.

The tech giant claims the move is necessary to accelerate the construction of power plants needed to run its energy-hungry computers. However, industry analysts worry this gives the social media company too much control over basic utilities.

“We realized that knowing your birthday is nice, but controlling your thermostat is true power,” said Davis Wire, Meta’s Director of Resource Hoarding. “We need gigawatts of energy to generate AI pictures of cats, and if we have to buy the entire power grid to do it, that’s a sacrifice we are willing to let you make.”

Under the new system, household voltage may fluctuate based on user engagement. Early reports suggest that smart lightbulbs will now require users to watch a 15-second unskippable ad before illuminating the bathroom.

“It’s a simple trade,” said Sarah Breaker, VP of Involuntary Updates. “You give us the electricity to run our chatbots, and we give you the privilege of not freezing to death in the winter. It’s all about building community.”

At publishing time, Meta was reportedly throttling electricity speeds for homeowners who hadn’t posted a status update in over 24 hours.

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