“The math is simple: if we keep doubling, we eventually need more power than Earth has,” said Brad Huxley, Google’s Vice President of Impossible Math. “We considered just slowing down, but then the stock price might go down, so harvesting the sun is the only logical step.”

The plan, internally dubbed “Project Photosynthesis,” will require residents of Earth to accept 40% less sunlight per year so that Google’s chatbot can generate email replies slightly faster. The company admitted this might cause a “minor ice age,” but noted that the cold temperatures would help cool down their servers.

“Customers want instant answers, and if that requires turning Mercury into a giant battery, so be it,” said Janet Vane, Director of Planetary Consequences. “It’s a small price to pay for a computer that can write poetry.”

At publishing time, Google was negotiating to buy the planet Jupiter to use as a backup hard drive.

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