TAIPEI — Following urgent reports that thousands of Asus routers have been compromised by a suspected China state-sponsored botnet, confused customers are reporting their devices have stopped broadcasting Wi-Fi and started demanding diplomatic immunity.

Security experts warn that the router hack involves malicious software that is currently “laying low,” a technical term meaning the device is quietly judging your family’s dinner conversation while waiting for activation orders. While the hardware was originally sold to provide internet access, the new unauthorized update effectively converts the blinking box into a sovereign territory in the corner of the living room.

“The device isn’t broken, it is simply in deep cover,” said Greg Miller, the Director of Unintentional Surveillance at Asus. “If your Netflix stream buffers, please do not restart the router. It is likely busy encrypting a report on your questionable search history to send overseas, and interrupting the upload is considered an act of aggression.”

Homeowners are struggling to adapt to the new geopolitical boundaries in their dens. Several users reported their routers now require a stamped travel visa to access the guest network, while others claim the devices physically swivel their antennas toward Beijing every morning at dawn.

“I tried to press the reset button with a paperclip, but the router issued a formal statement condemning my interference in its internal affairs,” said Ohio resident Sarah Jenkins.

At publishing time, Asus advised customers that if their router begins marching across the kitchen table in formation, they should unplug it immediately to avoid an international incident.

Inspired by actual events.