SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A tech company CTO and three associates face a federal indictment today after authorities uncovered an elaborate scheme to bypass the export ban on Nvidia chips to China, treating the computer parts like illicit contraband.

Prosecutors allege the group engaged in money laundering and smuggling to move the restricted hardware. Agents reportedly grew suspicious when the executives were spotted in a dark alley wearing trench coats and whispering about “teraflops” to passing strangers. The operation allegedly involved moving millions of dollars worth of processors intended for artificial intelligence.

“These individuals went to great lengths to hide the graphics cards,” said Special Agent Mark Henderson, Director of Silicon Enforcement. “We found H100 units taped to their torsos, hidden inside spare tires, and even stuffed inside shipments of less regulated items, like fentanyl.”

The indictment claims the defendants knew the high-performance chips were strictly forbidden under current trade rules.

“My client made a simple administrative error,” said defense attorney Sarah Jenkins, Partner at Plausible Deniability LLP. “He believed he was smuggling harmless diamonds, not something as dangerous as a processor that can run a chatbot.”

At publishing time, the incarcerated CTO was reportedly seen trying to trade three cigarettes and a pudding cup for a used GeForce GTX 1080.

Inspired by actual events.