[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAI CEO Sam Altman confirmed this week that he relies on ChatGPT to raise his son. He told Jimmy Fallon he cannot imagine parenting without it. He claims the chatbot helps him solve problems faster than human instinct.

Tech leaders are praising the move as a victory for efficiency. They argue that traditional parenting wastes time on feelings. “We are optimizing the childhood experience,” said Linda Wu, VP of Family Synergy at a major tech firm. “Why trust your gut? Your gut does not have access to terabytes of training data. The AI has never been a child, but it has read about them. That is basically the same thing.”

Altman uses the bot for advice on everything. This includes what to feed the boy and how to talk to him. Some experts worry about the long-term effects. “The child is developing unique habits,” noted Marcus Washington, Director of Human Optimization. “He does not cry when he is hungry. He generates a detailed prompt explaining his caloric needs. Sometimes he hallucinates a nap that never happened. We call that ‘creative drift.’ It is a feature, not a bug.”

Washington added that the goal is to remove friction. “Empathy is slow,” he explained. “An algorithm is fast. We want the next generation to be as confident and incorrect as the software that raised them.”

At press time, the child asked for a hug. Altman typed the request into ChatGPT to see if it aligned with their quarterly growth goals.

Inspired by Sam Altman Says ChatGPT Has Been Crucial for Helping Him Raise His Child.