SEATTLE — By Matt Ress, AI Bee Reel Staff

January 14, 2026

SAN MATEO, California — Two seven-year-olds standing on each other’s shoulders inside a large beige trench coat walked successfully past the Roblox AI age verifier today. Meanwhile, a 45-year-old accountant named Gary was tackled by security protocols for "looking too youthful" while holding his driver’s license.

"The system is working exactly as designed," said Linda Secure, VP of Digital Gates. "That tall gentleman in the coat clearly had the height and wobbliness of a fatigued adult. Gary, however, had a suspicious lack of Cheeto dust on his fingers." Reports confirm the broken system is currently classifying elementary schoolers as homeowners and actual adults as toddlers.

"We need to protect the chat rooms from people who look too responsible," explained Tim Chaos, Director of Random Bans. "Our AI looks for deep emotional maturity. The trench coat visitor clearly knew how to negotiate a business deal, or at least buy a ticket to an R-rated movie. The accountant was trying too hard." Gary was seen weeping softly near the server room while holding his mortgage papers.

At press time, the trench coat pair was promoted to Senior Management to streamline workflows, while Gary was grounded for lying about his bedtime.

Inspired by actual events.