“We analyzed user behavior and realized the modern consumer needs infinite uptime for their AI assistants,” explained QuantumLink VP of Hardware Innovation Marcus Chen. “Traditional lithium-ion batteries simply cannot support the teraflops required to generate cat memes in 8K resolution. By miniaturizing a fission reaction, we’ve created a seamless energy ecosystem where the only byproduct is a small amount of radioactive waste, which the user can easily dispose of in any standard lead-lined municipal bin. It is about empowering the user to disconnect from the wall forever.”

The new system follows industry trends toward nuclear energy adoption, with major tech giants recently signing agreements to power data centers with reactors. QuantumLink is the first to bring that gigawatt-scale power directly into the user’s pocket, addressing the massive energy demands of modern predictive text algorithms and background location tracking. Early reviews suggest the phone’s operating temperature of 180 degrees Fahrenheit also doubles as a personal space heater.

Sarah Jenkins, a freelance graphic designer at a shared workspace in SoMa, expressed initial hesitation about the upgrade Tuesday morning. Jenkins reported that while the 40,000-year battery life was convenient, the device became uncomfortably hot during a 15-minute scroll through Instagram reels, eventually singing her eyebrows. She noted that the heavy lead shielding required to answer a call had caused a repetitive strain injury in her wrist, though she admitted the phone’s ambient blue glow made a convenient, if eerie, nightlight.

At press time, QuantumLink marketing executives rebranded the device’s tendency to cause mild radiation sickness as a “weight-loss feature” included in the premium subscription tier.

Inspired by Meta signs deals with three nuclear companies for 6-plus GW of power.