[SATIRE]

SAN DIEGO — Qualcomm announced a new phone chip on Tuesday. It is called the Snapdragon 8 Gen 5. It is not their best chip. It is designed for phones that cost less money. The company says it is perfect for people who lead boring lives.

The new chip sits just below the recent “Elite” model. The Elite version is for power users. The new version is for everyone else. “We looked at the data,” said Jennifer Morrison, VP of Consumer Reality Alignment. “Most people buy a $1,000 phone. Then they only use it to check the weather. This chip is built for that exact level of excitement.” Morrison said the chip runs slower on purpose. This prevents users from doing work too quickly.

The chip still has Artificial Intelligence features. However, they are limited. The Elite chip can write a novel. The new chip can only write polite rejection emails. “The AI is very specific,” explained Ahmed Hassan, Chief User Expectation Officer. “It can generate a reply that says ‘Sounds great’ or ‘Let’s circle back.’ It cannot do math. It saves battery life by not trying too hard.” Hassan noted that the chip also blocks 8K video recording. He said nobody watches those videos anyway.

Qualcomm says the chip will be in phones soon. At press time, the company teased a future “Bare Minimum” edition. It will only allow users to call their parents on Sundays.

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