[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — Pharmaceutical stocks jumped Tuesday after a new study confirmed a major breakthrough. The study shows that patients must take new weight-loss drugs forever to keep the benefits. Executives are calling this the “perfect subscription model.”

The data confirms that stopping the drug causes health gains to disappear. “We finally solved the problem of people getting cured,” said Linda Washington, VP of Patient Lifetime Value. “In the past, a cured patient stopped paying us. That was a flaw in the business model. Now, stopping the drug reverses the benefits immediately. We call this ‘biological vendor lock-in.'”

Wall Street analysts are thrilled. They compare the new drugs to enterprise software contracts. “The retention metrics are beautiful,” explained Kevin Gupta, Chief Retention Officer. “Usually, you have to offer good service to keep a customer. With this, the withdrawal symptoms act as our customer success team. If a user tries to cancel, their body reminds them to renew. It is much more effective than an email campaign.”

The company admits the monthly cost is high. However, they argue it is cheaper than the alternative. “Think of it like rent,” Washington added. “You do not own your health anymore. You are leasing it from us on a monthly basis. As long as you keep paying, you can keep living in your body.”

At press time, the marketing team announced a new “Family Plan.” You can now bundle your high blood pressure with your spouse’s anxiety for a 5% discount.

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