CHICAGO — Performance reviews are changing. Companies are dropping sales goals for the “Bird Test.” This trend started on TikTok. It is now corporate policy.

The test is simple. A manager points at a bird outside. If the worker looks with excitement, they pass. If they ignore it to keep working, they fail. “We found that actual work data is distracting,” said Linda O’Malley, VP of Workplace Vibes. “True loyalty is looking at a crow when I tell you to. It shows you trust my vision. Even if my vision is just a bird eating trash.”

Employees say this creates panic. They cannot focus on their jobs. They spend all day staring at windows. One marketing team missed a major deadline last week. They were too busy pretending to spot a hawk. They were afraid to look away.

Managers insist this measures engagement. “I pointed at a cloud that looked like a bird,” explained Walter Jensen, Director of Culture Synergy. “My lead engineer kept typing code. She said she was fixing a critical bug. We put her on a performance plan immediately. We need people who are curious, not just productive.” Jensen noted that the engineer was “emotionally unavailable” to the cloud.

At press time, HR announced the “Orange Peel Test.” Employees must peel fruit for their boss to qualify for health insurance.

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