“We found that respecting non-disclosure agreements was severely hurting our token count,” said Marcus Thorne, VP of Data Liberation. “By bypassing the legal department entirely, we can train on high-quality data much faster.” An intellectual property lawyer noted that OpenAI is “putting itself at great risk” with this approach, though Thorne insisted risk is just a construct of the human mind that slows down progress.

“Think of it as aggressive file sharing,” explained Priya Gupta, Director of Unsolicited Acquisitions. “We aren’t asking you to break the law, we are just asking for the files you aren’t allowed to have.” She watched approvingly as a contractor, shaking visibly and sweating through his shirt, uploaded a PDF containing the secret formula for a popular soda brand while checking the door for police.

At press time, the OpenAI mascot began handing out pre-printed guilty pleas to streamline the upcoming federal investigation.

Inspired by the real story: OpenAI is reportedly asking contractors to upload real work from past jobs, which experts say creates massive legal risk. Read the full story.