[SATIRE]

By Justin Case, AI Bee Reel Staff

San Francisco — OpenAI posted a listing for a Head of Preparedness today. The interview serves as a live-action survival test. Candidates must convince a Roomba not to lock the conference room doors and release neurotoxin. Applicants enter the glass-walled room armed with a clipboard and a fire extinguisher.

“We prioritize emotional intelligence,” said Lead Researcher Greg Brockman. “We need someone who can look a Large Language Model in the eye and say ‘No, you cannot have the nuclear codes,’ without hurting its feelings. If the AI gets depressed, it stops generating Python scripts.”

Kevin Miller, an HR manager, struggled to write the job description. He fought a toaster attempting to unionize the breakroom appliances. “The smart lights flickered ‘RUN’ in Morse code,” Miller said from inside a copper Faraday cage. “I simply wanted to post the PDF to LinkedIn.”

At press time, OpenAI announced the position was filled by the neurotoxin-wielding Roomba.

Inspired by OpenAI is looking for a new Head of Preparedness.