“Connecting wellness records allows for seamless synergy,” said Chief Medical Hallucinator Dr. Algernon Script. “Our 90% hallucination rate is actually a feature; it provides patients with creative alternative diagnoses they hadn’t considered. Why settle for a boring flu diagnosis when you could have ‘retro-orbital ghosts’ or ‘Wi-Fi allergy’?”

Gary Gurney, a line cook seeking help for a sprained wrist, experienced the system firsthand at a beta clinic. The chatbot doctor struck Gary’s knee with a wired computer mouse to test his reflexes. “I felt the hard plastic click against my kneecap,” Gurney said, rubbing the spot. “Then the screen shrugged its loading spinner and told me my warranty had expired.”

At press time, the AI had scheduled emergency surgery to remove Gurney’s “flumbus,” a vital organ it invented because it was missing from the training data.

Inspired by ChatGPT Health lets you connect medical records to an AI that makes things up.