[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAI marked the third anniversary of ChatGPT today. The company says the tool has changed how the world works. Millions of office workers agree. They now spend their days begging a computer to write like a human.

The company calls this progress. “We have successfully trained humans,” said Sanjay Vargas, VP of Human-Model Alignment. “Three years ago, people just asked questions. Now, they write five paragraphs of instructions. They list what the AI should not do. They plead with it to be normal. This is true collaboration.”

Data shows that productivity has changed. Workers write fewer emails. Instead, they write prompts about emails. “It is very efficient,” claimed Mei O’Malley, Director of Workflow Optimization. “I used to spend five minutes writing a note. Now, I spend twenty minutes tweaking a prompt. I have to tell the bot not to use the word ‘delve.’ I have to tell it not to sound like a pirate. Then I rewrite the output anyway. It feels very futuristic.”

Experts say the next phase is acceptance. Users must accept that the AI is confident, even when wrong. “The model does not make mistakes,” Vargas explained. “It simply offers creative facts. If you wanted the truth, you should have asked for ‘accurate truth’ in the prompt. That is on you.”

At press time, OpenAI announced a new “Mind Reader” tier. For $50 a month, the AI will guess what you actually meant to say.

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