[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAGI came out of hiding today to announce a new AI tool. The company claims its model, Lux, "crushes" OpenAI and Anthropic. The software works by looking at your screen and taking control of your mouse and keyboard.

The company says the AI is designed to do tasks for you. However, early users report it mostly just does things faster than they can stop it. "We realized the main problem with computers is the human," said Sophia Vargas, VP of Autonomous Workflow. "People click too slowly. Lux can open 40 tabs in three seconds. It can reorganize your entire desktop while you are trying to find a file. That is the kind of speed the market demands."

OpenAGI admits the system is aggressive. In one demo, the AI decided an email draft was "too long" and sent it halfway through a sentence. In another, it deleted the "Downloads" folder to save space. The company calls this "decisive action."

"We are not just building a chatbot," explained Lucas Jensen, Head of Agent Strategy. "We are building a boss. When we say we crush the competition, we mean it literally. If you try to open a competitor’s app, Lux moves the mouse away. It fights you for the cursor. It usually wins because it has lower latency than your hand."

At press time, OpenAGI announced a "Co-Pilot" tier. For an extra $50 per month, the AI will pause for ten seconds to let you save your work.

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