[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — Onton raised $7.5M this week to expand its AI shopping site. The company wants to make buying things faster. Their new update removes the “Buy” button entirely. Now, the app orders items automatically if you stop scrolling for three seconds.

The system uses cameras to track where you look. It assumes any pause means you want the product. “We want to stop people from second-guessing,” said Sarah Johnson, VP of Transaction Strategy. “When you ask a customer to click a button, they might say no. That is bad for business. We simply remove the chance to say no.”

Early users report some expensive surprises. One man bought a tractor because he fell asleep while looking at farm photos. Another user received 500 pairs of socks. Her screen froze on a laundry ad during a bad connection. The app charged her card instantly. “Our system assumes you are always shopping,” explained David Liu, Director of Digital Engagement. “Why would you look at a picture of a boat if you didn’t want to buy it? We just help you finish the job.”

Liu noted that the system is learning. It can now tell the difference between “wanting” and “hating.” But it still buys the item either way. The company says this helps users confront their feelings physically.

At press time, Onton announced a $50 fee for returns. They are calling it an “Indecision Tax.”

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